Listening to Respond Rather than to React
Written by: Molly Stanley
Have you ever found it difficult to get on the same page as your partner? Does it ever seem like your partner is hearing you but not LISTENING to you? Do you find there are times it’s difficult to fully listen and be present with your partner?
Sometimes, we get into unhealthy communication cycles with our partner[s]. We usually do not even realize that this is occurring until we find that our disagreements and conflicts start to follow similar cycles and that it is hard to reach an agreement, compromise, or even listen to what our partner is saying at that moment. It’s important to note that there is a difference between hearing and listening. Hearing refers to the automatic process of taking in auditory input, while listening is engaging with what someone else is saying, with an intent to understand. Listening is not always a skill that we are taught explicitly, and when we find we are struggling in our communication, it can be helpful to go back to the basics.
Active listening refers to the ability to be present and non-judgmental while paying intentional attention to what another person is saying to us. We are not listening to react (i.e., immediately say what we are thinking or acting in reaction to our emotions) but rather to respond (i.e., showing that we are paying attention and making sure we understand what is being said).
The following are a few active listening tips. It is possible to use all of them in one conversation; however, sometimes, we find that we only have the capacity to use a few of them in any one conversation, and that is okay. We have to find what works best for us.
Paraphrase: This is one of the first, most clear ways we can show we are listening and working to understand what our partner is saying. Paraphrasing can be a straightforward way to make sure we understand our partner, keep the conversation on track, and make sure we do not automatically react to what is being said. Paraphrasing is when we repeat back what someone has said. We can summarize what was said or directly repeat it. We want to make sure that we are not infusing our perspective into this paraphrase, as it is important to reflect the other person’s perspective. To ensure our paraphrase is accurate, if it feels comfortable, we can also ask at the end of the paraphrase, “Am I missing anything?” or “Is that accurate?” See the below example for an accurate paraphrase versus a reactive paraphrase.
Our partner says, “I’m so tired after work today, and I felt frustrated coming home to a messy kitchen.”
Accurate Paraphrase: “You had a long, tiring day at work and are feeling frustrated coming home to all the dirty dishes still in the sink.”
Inaccurate Paraphrase: “You think I just sit around all day while you’re at work. I don’t always have time to clean the kitchen when I’m working from home.”
Check Our Body Language: Much of our communication is non-verbal. It is definitely important to listen to what is being said, but we can also show that we are listening through our body language. We can do this by facing the person we are talking to, nodding, providing appropriate eye contact, and/or having an open stance. This can look different for each individual in what type of body language feels comfortable and natural. It is just important to remember we want to show we are listening in addition to TRULY listening to what the other person is saying.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: These types of questions typically include what or how questions. If we are not sure we understand, just ask! Asking questions can also show we are interested in and wanting to understand what our partner is saying.
Be Mindful of Our Reactions: It is easy to feel defensive when someone brings up a mistake we made or a behavior we engage in. This can lead to defensiveness or an immediate reaction that can make it difficult to implement the active listening skills discussed above. When we are mindful, we are able to be in the present moment and notice our bodily sensations, emotions, and thoughts non-judgmentally and without necessarily acting on them. If we are mindful of our own reactions, we can ensure that we have the capacity to listen to the other person and actively engage with what they are saying.
Although these skills are straightforward and may appear simple, many times, it can be easier said than done. It can be helpful to practice these skills during low-stress, low-conflict situations. With more practice, it can become more natural to fall back on active listening, allowing your discussions to be listen and respond, rather than hear and react.