I Know How to Listen…Now What?

Communication Skills for Reducing Defensiveness

Written by: Molly Stanley

It’s important to to be able to listen effectively and empathically to what our partner[s] are telling us. It’s just as important to know how to communicate our thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants. If we are unable to express these things in a kind and clear way, it can make our partner[s] feel criticized and get defensive. It can make it more difficult for the other person to want to listen to us.

Remember: the goal of effective conversations is listening to respond, rather than hearing and reacting. There are ways that we can, as speakers, make it easier for someone to respond effectively to us. The below strategies can help in making us effective communicators.

• Be Empathetic: While this is not exactly a technique, it is a way of being in a conversation that can assist in being understood by our partner[s]. Empathy allows for us to put ourselves in someone else’s shoes and hold space for them. Even if we are the one expressing our feelings and thoughts, it is more likely someone will listen if we are being respectful and clear in our communication. To illustrate this idea, here is an example:

  • “I’m tired of you leaving your shoes on the floor. You annoy me so much.” If we say this, it’s unlikely we are thinking about how our partner would feel when we criticize them like this. We are just thinking about getting our point across and expressing our annoyance. This can lead to our partner getting defensive and falling into the cycle of reacting, rather than mindfully and actively listening to us. An alternative way to express this sentiment in a more empathetic way would be: “I’ve noticed the shoes have been left out right inside the door. I feel frustrated when I get home and trip over them. I want to figure out a way to solve this together.”

• Use “I” Statements: The example above is also an example of an “I” statement. An easy formula for speaking from our perspective is, “I feel [emotion word] because [reason].” We want to try to not place blame on our partner when using “I” statements. So, instead of saying, “I feel frustrated when you leave dishes in the sink,” we could say, “I feel frustrated when dishes are left in the sink.” Even though both of these sentiments are addressing the same thing, it can be easier to go into defensive mode if it appears someone is blaming us.

• Stay on Topic: When we are addressing the dishes being left in the sink, focus on that and not how the laundry is never folded. What do we do when our partner brings up something we’ve done that has frustrated them, even though it has nothing to do with dishes in the sink? We can gently remind our partner that we want to talk about the dishes first and then we can talk later about what they are bringing up. Not every single point of frustration needs to be addressed in one conversation, and it is unlikely that would even be a productive discussion. We can always take a break and come back to the conversation again at an agreed upon time.

• Use Clear Language: Instead of talking around the topic, being clear and concise can allow us to face the issue head-on. Again, remember to be empathetic when approaching the conversation. We can be respectful and straightforward at the same time. An example of a clear statement versus a convoluted statement is below:

  • Convoluted: “So, there have been some things that have been bothering me. It’s just around the house, I haven’t been feeling comfortable with how messy everything is. I’m not really sure we’re on the same page.”

  • Clear: “I wanted to bring up something that has been bothering me. There are dirty dishes being left in the sink. I feel frustrated when I clean them after a long day at work. I was hoping we could discuss this and come up with a solution that works for both of us.”

• Prepare for the Conversation: It can be stressful or nerve-racking to bring up certain thoughts and feelings in our relationships, so it’s okay to prepare what we plan on saying. Whether we practice in the mirror, write down what we plan to say, or practice with our therapist, having an idea of what we are going to say can help us to stay on topic, be clear, and make sure to utilize “I” statements.

Much like other communication skills, these techniques take practice and can sometimes be difficult to implement if we are feeling strong emotions. It is okay if these skills are not utilized perfectly; however, as long as we use them with intention and reflect on our conversations (whether they went well or not), we can continue to develop how we show up and communicate with our partner[s].

Learn more about couples/relationship counseling at Open Lines Counseling.