How Mind Reading Affects Our Relationships
Written by: Molly Stanley
I am going to paint a picture: You’ve had a hard day at work, there’s bumper-to-bumper traffic on the drive home, you had to leave work an hour late, and all you can think about is eating dinner and crawling into bed. You haven’t had any time to contact your partner other than to tell them you’re going to be home later than usual. You walk through the door and your partner has dinner ready, but it’s garlic honey chicken. How could they not know you wanted a fresh summer salad and not chicken?! Not to mention, the kitchen is still a mess, and you’re sure your partner is expecting you to do the cleaning since they made the dinner.
So, what do you do? Do you explain calmly and clearly why you’re feeling frustrated? Do you yell at them for the kitchen being a mess? Do you storm off and slam the bedroom door without a word to your partner?
In this situation, your partner can certainly guess the reasons for your behavior, but they will not truly know what is going through your mind without you communicating that to them. If they did make inferences, they could be mind reading, much like you did when you assumed they are just going to have you do the dishes and that they should have known what you wanted for dinner.
Mind Reading is a Cognitive Distortion:
So, what exactly is mind reading? Mind reading is a type of cognitive distortion. A cognitive distortion refers to an error in one’s perception of a situation (Wright et al., 2017). This perception is apparent through the thoughts we have in response to situations, which can also impact how we feel. We can interpret these thinking errors as facts, especially if these patterns of thinking have become habitual for us. Typically, cognitive distortions take on a more negative viewpoint.
When it comes to mind reading specifically, assumptions are made about what another person is thinking or feeling without taking the true, objective facts of the matter into consideration. An example of this could look like: “My partner knows I don’t like chicken. They would only make chicken if they plan on breaking up with me.” There is no evidence that a break-up is about to occur with the information provided.
In long-term relationships, we have many opportunities to see how our partner behaves when experiencing specific emotions. Because of this, it is easy to assume what that person may be thinking or feeling when they act a certain way. We can also assume that our partner knows what we are feeling or thinking. However, this can be detrimental because there may not always be clear communication about our or our partner’s needs, emotions, thoughts, or wants, much less our own. This can lead to more conflict and not feeling heard and seen by our partner.
How to Address Mind Reading in Our Relationships
Be Mindful: Begin to notice patterns of thoughts. Mindfulness refers to being aware of our present experience, including our thoughts. By noticing how we are thinking, we can recognize when we are experiencing cognitive distortions and then address them, if necessary. We can first acknowledge that we are mind reading and then determine the best approach.
Ask Open-Ended Questions: If we are mind reading our partner, it is important to first see if the assumptions we are making are even accurate. We can do this by approaching our partner with curiosity and showing that we want to understand their experience. Open-ended questions allow for more conversation. These questions are usually how and what questions, rather than closed questions that just aim for a yes or no answer.
A Note About Curiosity: Open-ended questions lend themselves to showing our curiosity. When we are genuinely curious, we are trying to understand the other person. This can deter defensiveness, as we are allowing another person to speak about their experiences. If our partner is less defensive, we are less likely to get defensive ourselves, which can minimize conflict.
State the Obvious: If we expect our partner to know what we want and need without having effectively communicated it to them before, then it is very likely that we are expecting them to mind read. Things that seem so obvious to ourselves may not be so obvious to our partner. Everybody thinks and processes information differently. We can ensure miscommunications do not happen by being open, respectful, and honest when stating our thoughts, emotions, desires, and needs to our partner[s] (even if it may be so obvious to ourselves).
Behavior change can be difficult, and we may have the best intentions to utilize the above suggestions. When in a moment of intense emotions, it can be easy to fall back into old communication patterns. Remember: we can always take a break from a discussion with our partner and come back to it later. If we are unable to approach with curiosity or express how we are feeling respectfully, those could be signs to take a break. These skills take practice, and it is okay to celebrate the small changes in our communication patterns. Please remember to be kind to yourself (and your partner[s])!
Reference
Wright, J. H., Brown, G.K., Thase, M.E., & Basco, M. R. (2017). Learning cognitive-behavior
therapy: An illustrated guide. American Psychiatric Association Publishing.