Kind Goal-Setting
There is no need to be on the self-improvement hamster wheel, but if there are goals you are working on, here are some tips to approach them effectively and with self-compassion.
Written by: Molly Stanley
It’s that time of year again when setting New Year’s resolutions is filling our social media feeds and, in turn, goal-setting is something on our minds. Maybe we know exactly the goals we want to set for the year ahead or perhaps we are feeling pressure to come up with a resolution even though there are no behavior changes we want to make. That is okay! We don’t need to set any goals if it does not make sense for us. However, if there are some ideas floating around for some resolutions, read on to learn how to self-compassionately set goals for ourselves and what to do when we struggle with following through.
First of all, during this whole process, it is important for us to be self-compassionate. Throughout the defining of a goal, the following through, and the times where we fall back into old habits, it is important for us to practice being kind to ourselves. Self-compassion is approaching yourself with kindness and empathy, in the way you might approach a friend (Neff, 2025). We are not perfect, and it is essential that we are self-compassionate when we make mistakes or have moments where we do not follow-up with goals we set for ourselves.
A way that we can be self-compassionate when creating a target for our behavior is by formulating a SMART goal. This is an acronym, with S standing for specific (what is the exact goal?); M for measurable (how can I make sure I am reaching this goal?); A for attainable (is this something I can actually implement into my life?); R for reasonable (does this make sense for me and my lifestyle to begin doing?); T for time-bound (when do I want to check-in again about progress with this goal?).
Being able to engage with a plan we create for ourselves in this way can make us more committed to it and also understand what is within our limits of creating a change. Let’s say that we are setting a goal to read more books. That, by itself, is a broad goal. Utilizing the SMART goal template, this could look as follows:
Specific: I will read every day.
Measurable: I will spend a minimum of 10 minutes a day reading.
Attainable: I have time in the mornings before work to be able to read, so I know I am able to implement this as part of my daily routine.
Reasonable: It would be difficult to put aside more time for reading than 10 minutes, based on my morning routine, and it is also a new habit I am trying.
Time-Bound: I will check-in with myself after a month to see if I would like to increase or decrease the time I spend reading.
So, now that a goal has been set, what do we do when it is hard to follow-through or we fall off the new habit momentarily? The following tips can help when we are struggling to implement new behaviors:
Be kind to yourself: Self-compassion can come in handy anytime but is especially important when we are struggling. We may feel guilt or shame when we falter with our goals, and that is valid! However, we can get stuck in those emotions, which can lead to negative self-talk. Try changing some of the self-talk to be more self-compassionate, i.e., “I have made a lot of progress; it’s okay to miss a day of reading” or “it’s hard to change behavior, so it is okay I am feeling this way.”
Recognize motivation as an emotion: Unfortunately, we cannot force ourselves to feel (or not feel) specific emotions. There may be days where we do not always feel motivated. It can be especially difficult to implement new behaviors if we do not feel a drive to do it. One way to help support ourselves when we are struggling with motivation is to engage with the new behavior for a certain period of time. Using the reading example, for instance, we can tell ourselves that we are going to go to read for 5 minutes before deciding if we want to read the full 10 minutes. Or, we could choose to just read a paragraph or a page and then see how we feel about continuing. Although there will possibly be times when we choose to read for the shorter amount of time, it is just as likely that we would choose to continue reading! Whatever you decide to do, make sure to be self-compassionate through kind self-talk.
Ask someone to be an accountability partner: If we tell someone close to us that we are trying to reach a new goal or change a behavior, it helps us make more of a commitment to the change. Not only have we told ourselves we are going to do something, but we have told someone else, who can be a support system. We can ask that accountability person for specific ways to support us. Some people prefer someone that is more active in helping hold accountability, while others may just want to lean on that partner when they are struggling. It will be important to figure out what kind of support you want (and it’s okay if it changes over time). If the other person is unable to provide all the support, you can bring in other people.
Set up a reward system: Much like the above tips, this will entail figuring out what works best for you. No matter what, the reward must be reasonable and something that truly feels like a reward. If our reward is something we were already going to do, then it may not feel like a true reward. The reward also does not need to be something after every time we engage the changed behavior; it can build up over time. Using the example above, after two months of being consistent with the SMART goal, we may decide to buy a new book. Setting up a reward system can also be discussed with our accountability partner and is entirely up to what we feel works best for us!
Finally, if we realize the goal is unreasonable or unattainable, we can always go back to the drawing board and change it. Sometimes, we may not realize a goal needs adjustments until we begin implementing it. It is okay for the support we seek and the reward system we have to evolve over time, as well. We have control over the goals we set for ourselves! Setting a SMART goal can ensure that we are both being kind towards ourselves and setting us up to achieve what we have in mind. Finally, if you are interested in learning more about self-compassion, you can do so here: https://self-compassion.org/
References
Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff. Self-Compassion Institute with Kristen Neff. (2025).
https://self-compassion.org/